POTC: The curse of that darn ring
by schofield-pitt
Summary: My version of what would happen if the Caribbean was crossed with Middle Earth.
1. Prologue

Pirates of the Caribbean: The Curse of that Damn Ring  
  
Before I start, I know that none of these characters belong to me. They belong to J.R.R. Tolkien and the dude that gave us Pirates.  
  
Prologue: Galadriel's Speech  
  
Galadriel: The world is changed. I feel it in the water. I feel it in the earth. I taste it in the rum. Much that once was is lost. For none now are sober enough to remember it. (Dramatic pause while she takes a drink) It began with the stealing of the Aztec gold. 882 identical pieces were stolen by Barbossa, mortal, dumbest, and ugliest of all beings who above all else desired treasure. Blinded by greed, he spent them. Dumbass. (She snickers.) Ahem. One by one, the coins disappeared. One by one, Barbossa's men were plagued by a curse. And some things that should not have happened did. Death seemed near. But the power of the gold could not be undone. For ten years, Barbossa sailed the seven seas, gathering back every piece that had gone astray. For ten years, they've pillaged and plundered. But the cursed gold has a power all of it's own. It will eventually betray Barbossa to his death. (Glances at script) Shit! You didn't hear that from me. Anyways... History became legend, legend became myth. And for ten years, the gold was mostly forgotten. Until, when chance came, it ensnared a new plot line. One with incredibly hot pirates. For, the time will soon come when Pirates will shape the fortunes of us all. 


	2. A Ring, 2 boys, and GASP!

Scene 1: The Finding of the Ring...and Will

Elisabeth: (Standing on the ship and singing) The road goes ever on and on...down from the door where it began...

Gibbs: (Places hand on her shoulder, startling her) Quiet, missy! Cursed wizards guard these waters. You don't want to bring them down on us, now, do ya?

Norrington: Mr. Gibbs! That will do!

Gibbs: But she was singing about wizards! It's bad luck to be singing about wizards in this mired and unnatural fog. Mark my words.

Norrington: Hmm. Maybe he's right...I mean, consider them marked. On your way.

Elisabeth: I think it'd be rather exciting to meet a wizard.

Norrington: Think again, Miss Swann. Vile and dissolute creatures, the lot of them. I intend to see to it that any man who wears a wizard's hat or carries a wizard's staff gets exactly what they deserve. A short drop and a sudden stop.

Elisabeth: (Looks at Gibbs, who mimes a hanging) GASP!

Governor: Commodore Norrington. I'm concerned about the effect this subject will have upon my daughter. 

Elisabeth: Actually, I find wizards fascinating.

Governor: That's what concerns me.

Elisabeth: (Moves to the side and glances down into the water where she sees an umbrella, and then a boy) Look! A boy! There's a boy in the water!

Everyone: (Pointedly ignores her because frankly she's a spoiled brat and desperate for attention)

Gibbs: Oh, no you don't, missy. You've fooled us with that line before.

Elisabeth: But there's a boy in the water!

Norrington: (Rolling his eyes) Alright, alright. Don't get your knickers in a knot, Miss Swann. (Looks down and sees the boy floating in the water) Man overboard!

(The boy is hauled out of the water) 

Governor: Elisabeth, I want you to accompany the boy. He'll be in your charge.

Elisabeth: (Nods and moves over to the boy. Sees chain around his neck and reaches for it)

Boy: (Grabs her hand) GASP!

Elisabeth: GASP! It's okay. My name's Elisabeth Swann.

Boy: F...F...Frodo Baggins.

Elisabeth: I'm watching over you, Frodo. (Frodo passes out) (Reaches for chain around his neck and takes the ring) GASP! You're a hobbit!

Norrington: Has he said anything?

Elisabeth: His name is Frodo Baggins. That's all I've found out.

Norrington: Take him below!

Elisabeth: (Puts ring in her pocket and moves over to the side of the ship where she sees another boy in the water) Look! A boy! There's a boy in the water!

Gibbs: I'm getting a weird feeling of deja vu... (Takes out his script and looks through the pages) Is she supposed to say that again? (Puts script away) Alright, I'll look. (Looks) Mary, mother of God! She was telling the truth!

Everyone: GASP!

(They haul another boy out of the water and toss him on the deck, where Elisabeth goes over to him)

Elisabeth: (Sees chain around his neck and reaches for it) 

Boy 2: (Grabs her hand) GASP!

Elisabeth: GASP! It's okay. My name's Elisabeth Swann.

Boy 2: W...W...Will Turner.

Elisabeth: I'm watching over you, Will. (Will passes out. She takes the medallion.) GASP! You're a pirate!

Norrington: Has this one said anything?

Elisabeth: (Hides medallion) His name's William Turner. That's all I've found out.

Norrington: Take him below and put him with the other one!

Elisabeth: (Walks over to the bow and looks at the medallion. Then she looks up and sees the Black Pearl with Mount Doom in the distance.) GASP!

  
  



	3. An ill fitting dress and pantless Will!

Scene 3: An ill-fitting dress...humiliation by stairs...

Elisabeth: (Wakes and walks over to desk where she takes out the Ring and the medallion) Hmmm. Which one shall I wear today?

(Knock on the door)

(Elisabeth, surprised by the noise trips over her nightgown and crashes headfirst into the mirror)

Governor: Elisabeth: Are you alright? (Mutters to himself, Like I give a damn) Are you decent?

Elisabeth: (Hides necklaces) Yes, yes!

Governor: (Enters room) Still abed at this hour? You are a lazy ass, aren't you?

Elisabeth: (Smiles) You know it.

Governor: (Rolls his eyes, clearly thinking, Where did I go wrong?) Anyways...I have a gift for you. (Reveals dress) 

Elisabeth: Oh, it's hideous!

Governor: Isn't it? I thought it only fitting for your ugly face.

Elisabeth: May I inquire as to the occasion?

Governor: Does a father need a reason to embarrass his daughter?

Elisabeth: I know you love me.

Governor: (While Elisabeth tries on dress.) God, she's dumb. How's it coming?

Elisabeth: (Grunting and groaning) I'm too fat to fit into it.

Governor: All that lying abed till midmorning. I'd hoped you'd wear it to the ceremony today. 

Elisabeth: (Trying desperately to squirm into the dress) Ceremony?

Governor: Captain Norrington's promotion ceremony. Commodore Norrington, as he's about to become. He fancies you, you know. Although I always did think he was too good for you.

(Knock on the door)

Servant: Milord, you have a visitor.

Will: (Studies sconce on the wall, touches it, and it falls off into his hands.) SHIT. (Looks around, hears someone coming, throws it over his shoulder, hitting a servant, who falls down out cold at the foot of the stairs.)

Governor: (Steps over servant) Ah. Mr. Turner. Good to see you again. 

Will: Good day, sir. I have your order. (Opens case and takes out Narsil) Oops, my bad. Wrong sword. ( Takes out another case and pulls out the Commodore's sword) 

Governor: (Unsheaths the sword) Well.

Will: The blade is folded steel. That's gold filigree laid into the handle. If I may. (Balances sword) Perfectly balanced. The tang is nearly the full width of the blade. (Flips the sword and presents it to the Governor, accidentally cutting down his own pants.)

Governor: (Not looking at the sword) Impressive. Very impressive.

Elisabeth: (Coming down stairs) Will, it's so good to finally see that much of you. 

Will: (Looks down) I thought it felt a bit drafty...

Elisabeth: (Trips and falls down stairs as he bends over to pick up his pants)

Governor: I'm not sure that's entirely proper...

Elisabeth: (Gets up at the bottom of the stairs, only to trip over the servant. One of the strained buttons on her dress pops off and hits Will on the head) I had a dream about you last night.

Will: (Glares at her, holding his head) About me?

Elisabeth: About the day we met, do you remember?

Will: How could I forget, Miss Swann? I'm fairly certain that's the day you stole my medallion.

Elisabeth: How many times must I ask you to call me Elisabeth?

Will: What? And admit I know you? I think not.

Governor: See. At least the boy knows what's good for him. Now we've really got to get going. I want to beat the crowds before they realize we arrived together.

Elisabeth: (Opens umbrella, poking Will in the eye) Bye-bye, Willy. (Looks back at him and then runs into the wall)

Governor: Come along, Elisabeth. We haven't got all day.

Will: Bye. Dumbass.

MEANWHILE (AT MOUNT DOOM HEADQUARTERS)

Sauron: The ring's been missing for 8 years now. I've managed to track down Frodo. He lives in a small English town called Port Royal. Only about fifteen minutes from Hobbiton by horse. However, he's not carrying the ring.

Saruman: 8 years now?

Sauron: YES! That's a freaking long time to be stuck without a body! Unless you want to give me yours, that is.

Saruman: (Cowers, crossing his arms over his chest) What should I do, milord?

Sauron: FIND THAT RING! KILL THE ONE WHO CARRIES IT?

Saruman: (Thinks) Wait a second. Can giant eyeballs yell?

Sauron: GET THAT RING!

Saruman: Yes, sir! (Scampers out of the room, terrified)

Sauron: (Laughs his diabolical laugh) I will find that ring. The Caribbean will be mine!!


	4. Enter one hot pirateand rather large sai...

Thanks so much for the reviews! I hope you like the next chapter! (Just so you know, I do not find Murtogg or Mullroy hot)  
  
Scene 4: Enter one hot pirate and some damn big sails!  
  
(Jack is standing on the mast of his boat, noticing that it's rapidly sinking. He jumps down to bails out the water, looks up and sees three wizard skeletons hanging with a sign "Wizards Ye Be Warned." All of a sudden his rapidly sinking boat hits a sandbar and is stuck.)  
  
Jack: Well, shit. Where's a wizard when you need one?  
  
Skeleton #2: We're right here, you fool of a Sparrow!  
  
Jack: Oh right. You mind giving me a hand here, mate?  
  
Skeleton #1: (Breaks off his hand and tosses it to Jack)  
  
Jack: I didn't mean literally.  
  
Skeleton #2: No, you idiot. Use it to plug up the hole!  
  
Jack: (Plugs up the hole and finishes bailing out the water) Thanks very much!  
  
Skeleton #1: Anytime you could get that back to me would be great!  
  
(Jack waves and continues sailing. He pulls up at the dock, unplugs the hole and watches as his boat sinks again)  
  
Harbor master: What-hey! Hold up there you! It's a shilling to tie your boat up at the dock!  
  
(Both look at the tip of the mast)  
  
HM: And I shall need to know your name.  
  
Jack: (Hands him a shilling) I'm going to save myself two shillings and tell you that my name is Mr. Underhill.  
  
HM: Welcome to Port Royal, Mr. Underhill.  
  
(Jack sees the money pouch and takes it. The skeleton hand gives the HM the finger behind his back)  
  
(p at the fort, Elisabeth is trying desperately not to breathe. Every time she does, another button pops off and hits someone. Half the crowd is spread out, unconscious)  
  
(Sees the Interceptor abandoned and heads for it)  
  
Murtogg: (Spots Jack) This dock is off limits to all men wearing too much makeup or hotter than me.  
  
Mullroy: (Looks confused) So who's allowed on?  
  
Murtogg: (Thumps him on the head)  
  
Jack: I'm terribly sorry. I didn't know. (Tries to continue, but is stopped) Apparently there's some sort of high toned and fancy to do up at the fort for all fat or extremely ugly people. How could it be that two repulsive gentlemen such as yourselves did not merit an invitation?  
  
Murtogg: Someone has to make sure this dock stays off limits to all men wearing too much makeup or hotter than me.  
  
Jack: It's a fine goal to be sure, but it seems to me that a ship like that (points out the Dauntless) makes this one here a bit ugly, really.  
  
Murtogg: Oh, the Dauntless is the power in these waters, true enough, but there's no ship quite as ugly as the Interceptor.  
  
Jack: I've heard of one. Supposed to be fast. Nigh un-catchable....the Black Pearl.  
  
Mullroy: Well... there's no real ship.  
  
Murtogg: The Black Pearl is a real ship. I've seen it.  
  
Mullroy: You've seen a ship with sails so large that the governor's daughter could almost use them as a dress?  
  
Murtogg: No.  
  
Mullroy: No.  
  
Murtogg: But I have seen a ship with big sails.  
  
Mullroy: Oh and no ship that has big enough sails to fit the governor's daughter could possibly have big sails and couldn't possibly be any other ship than the Black Pearl. Is that what you're saying?  
  
(Jack slips away, rolling his eyes)  
  
Murtogg: (nodding) No.  
  
Mullroy: Like I said, there's no real ship... (notices Jack on the ship)  
  
Murtogg: Hey! You! Get away from there!  
  
Mullroy: You're much too hot, even with all that makeup to be aboard there.  
  
Jack: I'm sorry. It's just that I need this makeup to look like a pirate.  
  
Murtogg: What's your name?  
  
Jack: Underhill. Or Underhilly if you like.  
  
Mullroy: What's your purpose in Port Royal, Mr. Underhill?  
  
Murtogg: Yeah. And no lies.  
  
Jack: (Whistles and twiddles his thumbs, trying to look as innocent as a Pirate can) Oh, nothing much.  
  
Murtogg: I think he's lying.  
  
Mullroy: If he were lying, he could have come up with a better story than that.  
  
Jack: Unless, of course he knew you wouldn't believe the story, even if he told it to you.  
  
Both: We're very confused. (Which doesn't take a lot, huh?)  
  
ON THE FORT...  
  
Norrington: May I have a moment? Uh, you look repulsive as always, Elisabeth. I apologize if I seem forward, but I must speak my mind. This promotion throws into sharp relief that which I have not yet achieved. Uh, a dress to fill that hole in the Interceptor's sails. That is a large dress.  
  
Elisabeth: (Cheeks puffed out, face turning blue) I can't breathe.  
  
Norrington: I'm a bit nervous myself.  
  
(Elisabeth takes a deep breath, and all the buttons pop off, richochet off the stone post and hit her, pushing her over the edge.)  
  
Norrington: (Picks up dress which has fallen off) That was easier than I thought. 


	5. Old schoolmates and a suspicious Playboy

Scene 5: Does Elisabeth have to live?  
  
Jack: (In Interceptor talking to guards) ...and then I danced with the turtles.  
  
Norrington: (Glances over edge of fort) I don't feel like saving her.  
  
Gillette: (Looking down at the monumental waves created by her fall into the water) Damn shame she missed the rocks.  
  
Jack: (Looks at guards) Will you be saving the blimp then?  
  
Mullroy: No, I don't think she's worth it.  
  
Jack: Pride of the King's Navy you are. (Hands him effects) Do not lose these. (Dives in)  
  
Murtogg: (Sees another monumental wave created by the ring and the medallion entering the water at the same time) What the heck was that? (helps Jack with Elisabeth, Mullroy also has to help) Ooh, I got her. She's still breathing. (Sigh)  
  
Jack: Move! (Bends over Elisabeth) Just exactly how much do you weigh?  
  
Mullroy: Never would've thought of asking that.  
  
Jack: Clearly, you've never been to Singapore. (Sees medallion and ring. On the back of the medallion it says "Property of William Turner." Pockets the medallion secretly)  
  
Norrington: (Points sword at Jack) On your feet. I have to ask you why on earth you would save that whale.  
  
Governor Swann: (Struggles to help Elisabeth to her feet) Are you hurt?  
  
Elisabeth: I'm fine.  
  
Everyone: Ah, shit.  
  
Governor: (Sees Jack) Shoot him!  
  
Elisabeth: Father! Commodore, do you really intend to kill my rescuer?  
  
Norrington: Yes. (Sees Jack making a pouty face) Alright. I guess thanks are in order, though I don't know why. (Offers his hand, Jack accidentally offers him the wizard's skeletal hand) Had a brush with wizards, did we, Pirate?  
  
Governor: Hang him.  
  
Norrington: Keep your guns on him, men. Gillette, fetch some irons. (sees tattoo) Well, well. Jack Sparrow, isn't it? Remember, from Tortuga high? Senior year? I asked you out, you said no?  
  
Jack: (Glares at him) Captain Jack Sparrow, if you please. (Whispers) And I don't go for dudes!  
  
Norrington: Well.  
  
Mullroy: (Hands him Jack's effects)  
  
Norrington: Hmmm. No additional shots nor powder. A compass that doesn't point north. And last year's issue of Playboy: The Corset Addition. You are without a doubt the worst Pirate I've ever heard of.  
  
Governor: (Grabs the playboy) I'm confiscating this. Ahem. (Moves away and opens the magazine.) ELISABETH???  
  
Jack: I thought she seemed familiar...  
  
Elisabeth: Father, I must protest. (Grabs the magazine.)  
  
Norrinton: Well, it seems that the evidence against you is quite condemning.  
  
Gillette: (Handcuffs Jack and moves away)  
  
Jack: Finally. (With some effort, throws irons around Elisabeth's neck)  
  
Governor: Shoot!!!!  
  
Jack: No, don't shoot!!!  
  
Governor: Shoot!!  
  
Men: We're so confused!!  
  
Jack: (Pushes Elisabeth away, where she falls through the dock, creating a big hole, grabs his effects and swings away.) You'll never catch me alive!!  
  
Governor: Now will you shoot her? Er...I mean...Nevermind.  
  
Norrington: Open fire! On his heels. Gillette, Mr. Sparrow has a dawn appointment at my office, to, uh...nevermind. I would hate for him to miss it.  
  
(The soldiers begin searching for him) 


	6. enter Legolas

Sorry, I know it's not my best work, but I just got my first bad review so I'm in a bad mood.  
  
Scene 6: ...enter Legolas...  
  
(Legolas, now on the run from the law, has stolen the shards of Narsil and escaped safely to the Caribbean. Intent on reforging Narsil, he enters the deserted smithy. Sees drunk and sleeping Frodo Baggins, and slaps him just to see if he'll awake.)  
  
Legolas: Get up you annoying bugger! (Can't wake Frodo up, so he lights a fire and lays the shards of Narsil on the table. All of a sudden the door opens and he runs for cover.)  
  
Will: (Enters the smithy and sees Frodo still unconscious) Right where I left you. (Sees the shards of Narsil) Not where I left you. (Glances to where his Narsil is lying still on the table in it's box.) What the-? (Reaches for the sword and all of a sudden has an arrow aimed between his eyes)  
  
SILENCE ENSUES...  
  
Legolas: You seem somewhat familiar. Have I threatened you before?  
  
Will: I make a point of avoiding familiarity with elves who look exactly like me.  
  
Legolas: No, seriously, dude. You remind me of someone.  
  
Will: (Lunges for a sword and grabs it)  
  
Legolas: (In a lightning quick move, grabs his own sword and drops the bow, which fires the arrow straight through Frodo's foot. He stays asleep) Do you think this is wise, man, fighting with an elf?  
  
Will: You stole my face.  
  
Legolas: But not your hair.  
  
Will: (Lowers sword.) Hmm. I guess you're right.  
  
(While they talk, Jack slips in unnoticed,f rees himself of the irons and tiptoes for the back door)  
  
Legolas: My elf senses sense something. (Grabs his bow, shoots an arrow, pins Jack through his shirt to the wall.)  
  
Jack: Well, bloody hell. If it isn't Legolas Greenleaf.  
  
Legolas: Jack Sparrow.  
  
Will: How can you two possibly know each other?!?!  
  
Legolas: We've met before. (Squints eyes suspiciously) Anyways...(pulls out his script, checks his next line) You need to find yourself a girl, mate.  
  
Jack: I believe that was my line, elf.  
  
Legolas: (Checks script again.) Well, pirate, I guess you're right. After 2,931 years, your eyes kind of start to wear out.  
  
(All of a sudden there's a pounding at the door, the door breaks open and Norrington's men rush in, grab the still-sleeping Frodo, and rush back out.)  
  
Will: Were they supposed to do that?  
  
Legolas & Jack: (Look confused)  
  
(Norrington's men, looking embarrassed, re-enter, put Frodo back in his chair, grab Jack, and leave.)  
  
Legolas: (Looks at Will.) Well.  
  
Will: (Looks at Legolas) Well.  
  
(They both get back to work reforging their swords) 


	7. Elisabeth is kidnapped! YAY!

Scene 7: Elisabeth is Kidnapped! Yay!

(In prison, prisoners wave a pack of peanuts at the giant oliphaunt who has the key in it's mouth.)

Jack: You can keep doing that forever, the oliphaunt is never going to move. 

Prisoner: Oh, excuse us if we haven't resigned ourselves to Norrington's office just yet.

(In governor's house, Elisabeth's room)

Estrella: There you go, miss. (Puts a bed warmer between the sheets.) Was a difficult day for you, I'm sure, what with seeing your dress hoisted up the mast. If it's not too bold to say.

Elisabeth: I suspected it would happen, but I must admit, I wasn't entirely prepared for it.

Estrella: And to top it all off, the commodore didn't even propose! Fancy that.

Elisabeth: Thank god.

Estrella: Well that Will Turner (tries not to look interested) he didn't propose either.

Elisabeth: That is too bold.

Estrella. Well, begging your pardon, miss. Can't blame a girl for trying. (Leaves, pouting)

(Meanwhile, back in the blacksmith Will and Legolas are working, then both look out onto the deserted street)

Governor: (On the fort) So, she finally gave you her dress?

Norrington: Yes, she did.

Governor: Well, it's about damn time. Ghastly weather, don't you think?

Norrington: Bleak, very bleak.

Governor: (Hears a noise) What's that?

Norrington: NAZGUL!! (Shoves the governor out of the way, pushing him off the battlements.) Run for your life!

(In jail)

Jack: I know those screeches. (Looks out the window) It's the black riders.

Prisoner: The black riders? I've heard stories. They've been preying on men for thousands of years. Never leave any survivors. 

Jack: No survivors? I'm pretty sure the elf and the hobbit down the street survived.

Prisoner: Oh.

(The riders are destroying the town, some from the air, other's by horse; Will grabs his sword, Legolas grabs his bow, they go fight the riders. Meanwhile, Norrington is cowering in his office, praying.)

Norrington: Forgive me for all those fleeting moments of insanity where I thought Elisabeth attractive. I didn't mean to!

(In governor's house. Black riders are running through the gates, knocking on the door. Elisabeth tries to get out of bed in time to warn the butler, but she's far too fat to move quickly. The butler opens the door.)

Rider #1: Hello, chum. (Stabs the butler and riders swarm into the house) Up there! (Points upstairs to where you can hear Elisabeth moving.)

Estrella: (Locks the chamber door) They've come to kidnap you.

Elisabeth: What?

Estrella: YOU STOLE THEIR RING!!!

Elisabeth: They haven't seen you. Hide and the first chance you get, run to the fort. (The door opens suddenly and two black riders come in, grab Elisabeth and try to pull her out, but she's too heavy for them to move.)

Rider # 4: Well, shit. Now what?

Rider #6: We're supposed to take her to the master. And she'll go to the master. (He lets out a screech and instantly riders 2, 3, and 5 appear, and manage to pick her up between the five of them.)

(In the streets, Will and Legolas are fighting, when all of a sudden the earth shakes and Elisabeth is rushed by with the riders)

Will: Good riddance, you whale.

Elisabeth: Will! Help meeeeeeeee! (Scream fades as she is taken farther away)

Will: I'd rather not.

Legolas: GASP! She had the ring!

Will: Damn. If Sauron gets his hands on the ring, the caribbean will be destroyed. 

Legolas: You thinking what I'm thinking?

Will & Legolas: BOAT TRIP!!


	8. An evil deal

Scene 8: Taking on extra weight

(In jail. A hole is blown in the wall, and the prisoners escape.)

Prisoner: (To Jack) My sympathies, friend. You've got crappy luck.

Jack: (Picks up discarded bag of peanuts and whistles) Come on, olly. It's just you and me now. It's you and ol' Jack. Come on...that's it... 

(Oliphaunt moves a bit closer, but there's a crash at the top of the stairs and the oliphaunt runs away.) 

Jack: You stupid animal! I hope you trip and fall over your retarded nose!

Rider #1: (Entering the jail) This ain't the bar.

Rider #2: (Spots Jack) Look what we have here. A little birdie all caged up.

Jack: (Looks around him, seeing no birds.) What?

Rider # 1: You, you idiot.

Jack: Oh.

Rider #2: It's Captain Jack Sparrow, right?

Jack: (Grins at finally being given the proper respect) Yep.

Rider #1: I wonder what Barbossa'll pay for the whereabouts of Captain Jack. The reward poster mentioned ten thousand shillings...

Jack: What? Reward poster?

Rider #2: (Points to the opposite wall, where a large poster of Jack in a compromising position is hanging)

Jack: Oh. (Blushes.) That's very interesting.

(Elisabeth, left with riders # 4 and 5 is put into a boat and rowed across to the Nazgul's ship. The boat starts to sink what with Elisabeth and they row faster.)

Rider # 8: (Struggling to pull Elisabeth up onto the ship) I didn't know we was takin' on extra weight.

Rider #3: She's got the ring, dumbass.

Elisabeth: NO, I DON-

Rider # 8: (Slaps her hard across the face) When I want your opinion, I'll ask a cow.

Rider # 9: (The lord of the Nazgul) Well, well, well. What have we here?

Rider # 3: She's got the ring.

Rider # 9: My apologizes miss. You've got our ring, then?

Elisabeth: (Whips it out) Uh-huh. See? It's shiny.

All Riders: Ooooohh. Sauron never let us see it.

Elisabeth: (Sees her chance, moves to the side of the boat and holds the ring over the edge) I'll drop it if you don't release me at once.

Riders: NO!!

Rider # 8: Sauron will kill us again! It's really annoying to die, you know. We'll give you anything you want. ANYTHING!! Just don't take away the precious!

Rider # 9: (Slaps him upside the head) Snap out of it. You've been hanging around that creepy boyfriend of yours for long enough.

Elisabeth: You'll give me anything?

Rider # 8: Anything.

Elisabeth: Well, I want my Willy.

SILENCE ENSUES...

Rider # 8:(Thinking) I thought she was ugly for a woman. 

Rider #3: You want your what?

Elisabeth: I WANT WILL TURNER!

Rider # 9: Okay, maybe we can't give you everything...

(Elisabeth drops the ring a little further, riders gasp)

Rider # 9: Alright, alright. Geez. You have a name, miss?

Elisabeth: Elisabeth...Baggins.

Rider # 3: Bilbo.

Rider # 9: Well, miss Elisabeth. You hand over that ring and we'll do everything in our power to perform the impossible. 

Elisabeth: (Hands over the ring) Okay. After all, you're only creepy dudes with no faces sailing on an evil looking ship. Why wouldn't I trust you?

Rider # 9: Welcome aboard the Purple Gem, Elisabeth.

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  



	9. A jailbird escapes

Scene 9: ...A jailbird escapes  
  
(On the streets everybody is partying now that Elisabeth is gone. Commodore Norrington and Governor Swann are doing the rumba while Murtogg and Mullroy bang on each other's...bongos. Will and Legolas, now assisted by Frodo, sneak past the joyous celebration and into the unguarded jail.)  
  
(In jail, Jack is desperately trying to pick the lock with a peanut, but it's not working.) Jack: Come on, you stupid, bloody peanut! (Hears footsteps and lies down in cell, leaving the peanut in the lock)  
  
Will: You! Sparrow!  
  
Jack: Aye.  
  
Legolas: Are you familiar with that ship-the purple gem?  
  
Jack: I've heard of it.  
  
Will: Where does it make berth?  
  
Jack: I have no freakin clue.  
  
Legolas: (Stares intently at Jack, using his elf perception to figure out that he's lying) He' lying.  
  
Will: I could have told you that.  
  
Jack: Why ask me? (Studies his fingernails)  
  
Frodo: They took my Lizzie!!!  
  
(All three turn to look at him)  
  
Jack: (Rolls his eyes) At least one of them found a girl. (Stands up) What's in it for me?  
  
Legolas: A chance to get out of here.  
  
Jack: How's that? The key's run off.  
  
Legolas: I think you're forgetting that I'm an elf. (Uses his super elf strength to bend the bars open – but not quite enough for Jack to escape)  
  
Jack: One question. The short kid wants the girl, but what's in it for you?  
  
Legolas: I swore to protect the Caribbean, and Elisabeth had the ring. If Sauron gets his hands on it...  
  
Jack: And Will?  
  
Will: I'm the good guy. If I don't go, the plot's screwed.  
  
Jack: Fair enough. Get me out of here!  
  
(Legolas bends open the bars)  
  
Will: Hurry. Someone will have heard that.  
  
Jack: Not without my effects.  
  
(They leave. Frodo runs back in, grabs the peanut from the lock and runs back out) 


	10. Meanwhile

Scene 10: Meanwhile...

BACK AT MOUNT DOOM HEADQUARTERS

(A terrified Orc enters Sauron's office, whimpering)

Orc: My lord, you have a visitor.

Sauron: Well who the hell is it?

Orc: It's...it's...it's a pirate. Says his name is Barbossa.

Sauron: Ah yes, send him in. NOW!!!

(Orc squeaks and leaves the room quickly, only to be replaced by Barbossa a few minutes later.)

Barbossa: Well, we meet again, my old friend.

Sauron: It seems we have.

Barbossa: (Takes a seat across from Sauron, staring into the eye.) I've come to make you an offer you can't refuse.

Sauron: No.

Barbossa: (Looks slightly confused) No?

Sauron: No.

Barbossa: Not even if you hear it first? (He pouts)

Sauron: No.

Barbossa: Ok. I'll tell you.

(Sauron rolls his eye)

Barbossa: You want control of Middle Earth, and I want control of the Caribbean. Now, I know you've sent Saruman to find Frodo, but you gotta be honest, the guy's a loser. I mean, he betrayed so many people, what's to say he wouldn't betray you to?

(Sauron remains silent, mulling this over)

Barbossa: Frodo has the ring. And I have it from an inside source that Frodo and the man that stole my medallion and my arch-nemesis are all in the same little town. I'm going there anyways, so I figure I'll just pick up that little old ring and bring it back.

Sauron: And what's in it for you?

Barbossa: (Studies his grimy fingernails) I want a legion of corsairs to sail at my back.

Sauron: You drive a hard bargain, old friend.

Barbossa: I'm just hard altogether. (Thinks for a second) That didn't come out right.

Sauron: You're telling me.

Barbossa: (Blushes furiously) Do we have a deal?

Sauron: We have a deal. You give me the ring, and I'll give you a fleet of ships to sail at your back, filled with my most meanest and evilest minions.

Barbossa: (Smiles and leaves)

Sauron: (Under his breath) Little does he know that I too have a man on the inside...

TO BE CONTINUED...


End file.
